News Roundup: Post-Modern Family Awards Edition

Totally deserved it.

Hi, folks. How was your Emmy night? I found that subjecting myself to the whole experience was a weird kind of emotional roller-coaster: We begin with Modern Family winning everything, which I don’t begrudge it but it wasn’t especially suspenseful, and move on to infuriating crap like Louie getting shut out and The Big Bang Theory winning over Steve Carell. Then, just when your faith in humanity (okay, in the TV Academy) is almost beyond repair, they give Peter Dinklage the award for Game of Thrones and Friday Night Lights wins twice. HBO didn’t even have a lock on the miniseries this year!

Then, just when you think the night might have been saved, they give an award to The Kennedeys. Seriously, what the hell? Then we round up with Modern Family winning everything again.

But now it’s Monday, so let’s all move on. Here’s what else is going on:

• Showrunner Chad Hodge has kind of given up on trying to have us take The Playboy Club seriously. (Now it’s just “a sexy, fun soap,” a pitch that at least has the virtue of making sense.)
• Netflix doesn’t own the Quikster Twitter feed.
• And their stock is still tanking.

The Emmys: You didn’t watch either, did you?

I can't wait for New York, New York 2. You've got the Emmy, just do it already.

I know, I’m a television critic. They say that The Emmys are the most important night on television. Well, after the Super Bowl. And the Rose Bowl; every other sporting event ever, even the dog shows. Out of all the awards shows, they’re even less important than the Golden Globes. I wish I could put my finger on why I hate them so much; after all, they award great shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad over cheap crap like CSI and the like. For that alone, they aren’t completely without merit. There’s just something about them.

Oh yeah, that’s right; They just kinda suck. I really can’t mention any specific thing that they’ve ever done that has truly pissed me off. That’s the main problem though: I really can’t mention any specific thing that they’ve ever done. Each year they come and go in an unimportant blur. Nominees are announced, a nominee wins, the rest lose and everybody just wishes the Oscars would finally be here so we can get this six month long award season behind us.

Really, people could not literally care less about Award shows. The only difference between the Emmys and whatever award banquet they hold at the local plumber’s union is that people actually want to see a celebrity’s ass. If I wanted to watch rich people dress up and give gold covered phallus shapes to their friends, I’d go to even more Eyes Wide Shut parties than I already do. The only significant thing these award shows are capable of is convincing those willing to watch that the most beautiful/charming/nice is synonymous with BEST. Instead of calling the award “Best Comedy,” they might as well rename it, “Genre We Don’t Take As Seriously.” And the award goes to? Modern Family. I should have known.

That being said, let’s discuss the outcome of last night.